Another one-way door. Karen transitioned/passed early this morning. This tiny little house suddenly feels vast, empty and lonely. Life will, once again, shoot off at another angle that a year ago hadn't even existed or been envisioned. Without Kare, my universe is no longer here. I am in one under the control of someone else.

Two nurses here today (Jessica, who also came in Sunday over vomiting incident, and Samantha (?) or Sylvia (?). More importantly, Hospice Aide (said with the most humble admiration) Lorraine was here first so that we could bathe and change Karen, change her  linen, dress her completely.

Our relatives shared the burden of Karen's passing during the afternoon. But nothing prepared me for the utter emptiness when she left the house. I'm only beginning to encounter the reverberations from her passage.

I hope her essence is self-aware and mobile and that she remembers we are to meet at Jupiter's moon Io before we traverse the universe on a journey of wonder.

Holy smokers! Been feeling lately that all facets of life seem to be coalescing into some not-understood point, singularity. And while pondering the conditions of my experience of reality, I realized this condition appears to be the system instability of a Prigogine Bifurcation.

To paraphrase what I think that means: If a system becomes increasing unstable, it reaches a point where it splits in a bifurcation (like the massive tectonic plate shifts causing sudden landmass readjustments via earthquakes), and splits into new configurations of the old system. The second part of the dynamic is that there is no way to know specifically what the new configurations will  take with pronounced  emphasis of unintended consequences.

Drat! Now I have dig out that book "Order Out of Chaos" by Ilya Prigogine and read parts again just to be sure of the actual specifics and what that has to do with the reality in which I find myself.

Quiet day. Karen comfortable most of it. Lorraine showed up and we changed lines so K would have a nice, clean weekend for herself. Paula and June came over. Then Lori. I think Dot was here too.

Brother may need pacemaker. More tests being performed. He should be home tomorrow. They say they can beat his Lyme's and heart is of more concern. It's all getting so dicey for him. It's all been severe. Nothing "casual" has happened to him. All the injuries and conditions are some really heavy duty stuff: heart, brain, shoulder, leg, ankle, stents, bypasses. That's just a few.

A thousand factors are racing near the speed of light toward a common point. My own personal LHD.

I know I can't be constructing the universe as I go along because I would never create one in which my mother is 91; my brother is in terrible condition; my wife is dying in the next room with brain cancer. This is not a universe I would wish on anybody.

It is unexpected to me that so many would be such sources of strength in this time. Everybody is burdened with their own problems yet they somehow find time to ease our lives, too.

Another coincidence.

For months I have been thinking about reality and was practicing to see it on a number of levels, all occurring at the same time. The me here, typing this while listening to background tv. 2: the me experiencing the smell of new cut grass and that whole, universe as chemicals; 3: Those chemicals actually consisting of subatomic particles obeying magical physical "laws" (my favorite particle being the neutrino about which I will touch on again); 4: Higgs field, Higgs Boson? Are we seeing that deep?

Ah, back to the coincidence.

What with all the thought lately of neutrinos in particular, it came as a surprise to find that within the "Discover" magazine delivered today is a feature article about neutrinos! Whole bunch of new information. Really, particles so small that one of them could travel through a block of solid lead from here to Jupiter and the neutrino wouldn't touch ANYTHING in the whole trip. (That's what I think I remember but am interested in finding original of that concept. The real math I think is even more impressive.)

I should look that up on the Web. Will read article first.

Trying to absorb Morgan Freeman explaining the Higgs field again.

Where to even begin?

Karen is resting what seems to be peacefully and still responds to visitors who talk to her.

While she laid there yesterday, my brother was rushed to the hospital where his doctors were waiting for him. Seems that his coughing, memory loss, lack of energy, etc. is likely due to Lyme's Disease (of which he has seven out of ten markers); spinal meningitis; and irregular heart beat. They fear the infection has accessed his central nervous system. They did a brain MRI earlier today. Still have no update on results.

Today I decided to see if I could get back into a blog I remember setting up some months in the past. After a couple of fails, here I am, rediscovering my "blog" a day after I watched "Groundhog Day" until 3:30 a.m. Wow! The last -- and only -- time I  made an entry, it was to compare our lives with the movie "Groundhog Day." (Had no memory of previous post.)

This may not seem outwardly significant but that experience is central to my entire conception of a reality in which my wife is dying at age 56 from brain cancer. This shameful injustice on the part of nature is causing a fair amount of anger. (Helplessness may drive many a mass shooting. Hopefully  more productive outlets will channel that energy into something that builds rather than destroys.) This is the attempt to make something that recognizes and admires the existence of Karen Elizabeth xxxx-XXX.

The big problem at this moment, given this sudden urge to start a conversation, is how to get into a discussion of Karen's place in the universe? Do we go for her large, warm heart? Her sense of humor? Desire to be helpful? Toughness in adversity? Strength of character?

We must also address the question of "Why should I care?" "I" being  you. Well, even if you appear to have no connection to Karen and her life seems to have no significance to your own, we, who were lucky enough to be in her universe, suspect the "goodness" ripples she generated in her lifetime are radiating out, touching more and more lives as they pass. Perhaps at this very moment it is happening.

So where to start?

Her strength? (Over the hundreds of times she was asked during her health battle "How are you?" NEVER did she reply something other than: "I'm good," "I'm fine," "Things are good." NOT ONCE was her response negative.)

Her loyalty? (She worked for The Norwich Bulletin from the age of 16. It was like 40 something years with a very short break to another publication! Still, 40 something years!! -- We won't talk just yet of what she received for all those years of dedication and success. Let us establish early on that a review of that situation isn't going to be favorable for the employer.)

Her love? (Years of "first-day-of-school" pictures with nieces and nephews. School plays and sporting events. Birthdays. Graduations. Great sense of family. )

Groan. Caught in a loop.

But, while I get caught up in her praises, there is a universe in which this wonderful lady lies in the next room, in a hospital bed, almost motionless, dreaming of the past while she approaches an unknown future via the terminal malignancy of Glio (no, fuck you), glioblastoma multiforma.

Getting late. Just entered unpleasant territory. We will talk of her in the future. She will be the key.

Groundhog Day. That's what our lives are like. We are living the same day again and again. The same nameless day running over and over. Each version birthing small diviations, tiny shifts.

That's not to say that day is not without its own rewards. There's a comfort that comes from familiarity, it's like being in the cave of a warm blanket.

Unfortunately, that cave offers little protection from an insidious, evil malignancy that spreads over your lives like lichens on the trees, or mold on food. In our case, or Karen's case because she is the one afflicted, "it" is Glioblastoma Multiforma: brain cancer. A real nasty species. An evil core radiating slimy tendrils into the avenues of the brain.

But after an initial counteratack of a craniumectomu on Oct. 31, 2013, Halloween, waging her battle is being conducted from the recliner in the "office"/tv room.

There is much to explain. From the deep rich aroma of home-made chicken soup behind me to the life-or-death struggle in the net room.

1:58 PM